I wondered if stepping back and examining my own life in terms of identity would interfere with the growth of my personality. And then with fear of overthinking in too many dimensions, I stepped back into my head. But the idea was planted and I connected it with the mention of college and the tinge of stress I feel under the muscles I try so hard to relax. No it’s not the biggest issue in my life and I know this blog post is not super fun, just let me get it out there.
The other day we were talking about how our dog has a purpose in life and I half-jokingly asked, “Dad, what’s your purpose in life?” He answered seriously with “I guess it’s to make people happy, to keep the people around me happy.” My first thought was, “spoken like a true salesman,” and my second was, “wow, I sound exactly like my mother.” But I know my father and he’s not a doormat. I love the fact that his purpose in life is not totally about himself but about the people he loves.
I have to bring up baking. I just took a bread pudding out of the oven and watched the bubbles fall like watching a child’s breath slow as I sing him to sleep. I can’t deny that I’m happy. I can’t deny the desire to do that the rest of my life. In middle school I wrote a poem about what happens to a ball of cookie dough in the oven. Last week I spent a day at a cake decorating competition and though atmosphere felt stuck up and awkward at times, I can’t wait to do it again. So this counts as a dream, right?It brings me comfort to hear that about 80% of ingoing college freshman don’t declare a major and about 50% of college students change their major at least once. (from sites such as this, and this)
At the source my fear is choosing a path that I am interested in and then years down the road, looking at myself in the mirror and thinking ‘you could have done better’. It might be cliché but I want to make a difference in the world, whatever that means. Here’s my logic: music, dancing, baking, I can indulge myself with those hobbies as I get older and follow another career. But I guess by pushing aside those things, I am still left with a world of options and no map of where to go from there. So I come back to not eliminating anything.
For now I don’t want to live with the purpose of avoiding regret.